As the winter cold season takes hold, congested consumers are embracing a 'breakthrough' from Dyson, which makes affordable decongestants seem primitively simple. Harnessing the power of twin cyclones, Dyson's Noseblade offers a needlessly expensive solution to the mundane problem of feeling a bit under the weather.
"For years now, people have endured the misery of the common cold, struggling to empty their sinuses with the conventional 'lungs and tissue' approach", declared James Dyson, the Noseblade's inventor. "Unfortunately, the human nose has a major design flaw: the fuller it gets, the harder it is to blow."
Dyson's crack team of swirly wind engineers knew they had to step in, and take their air-powered inventiveness for another spin. "We've had a lot of success in the convoluted solutions market, particularly when we've tackled really boring challenges, such as drying your hands, or sucking bits of dead skin out of a carpet", said Dyson. "Our research told us that no-one was even thinking about an alternative to the handkerchief, so we knew that if we got it right, people would pay through the nose."
The Noseblade looks fairly compact at first, at least until it's offered up to a regular-sized face. The circular body features two nostril probes on the reverse, and a clear vortex generator on the front, to allow family and friends to marvel at the volume of phlegm swirling inside. Dyson claims the device has enough suction to 'turn a dog inside out, should the need arise'.
"We've made it from our trademark glittery purple plastic", explained Dyson, "it goes well with green. The base model is held in place with a bit of string and two paperclips, but you can upgrade to nostril barbs on our top models. There's an optional drainage tube too, which loops conveniently over your shoulder, and effortlessly hoses excess mucus all down your back." Dyson is so proud of his 'ragless technology', he's vocally promoting its advantages in a string of criminal negligence cases.
While Dyson's design team admitted that the Noseblade does seem heavy at first, they assured the public that any initial feelings of panic would soon pass after the first couple of hours of running. But the catarrh heroes loved jamming the prototype into volunteers' faces so much, they're looking for other openings to explore.
"We're in the early stages of developing a high-powered, cyclone-based alternative to toilet paper, we've codenamed it 'Shitstorm' for now. We’re always looking for new designs that complement our family of overblown products, but with these latest lines, it’s not just the prices that make your eyes water.”