At an open air press conference held at the summit of Mount Sinai today, God, creator of all things, revealed the long awaited upgrade of the crab.
Speaking in a stentorian voice, and wearing his trademark turtleneck halo, the Almighty admitted that the DNA evolution software fitted to all living creatures had proved to be rather unreliable, so he had abandoned other projects and stepped in to improve the design attributes of several creatures with his own fair hand
God refused to apologise for the delay in upgrading the crab. ‘It takes time to get these things right,’ he said. ‘We have to remember to what happened to the unicorn. We rushed the release of the new version and, thanks to the bloody DNA programming, it evolved into the rhinoceros.’
For the first time, Crab 2.0 comes with the ability to move forwards and backwards rather than sideways. ‘In the old version you never knew if the crab was coming or going,’ continued God, ‘so this is a considerable breakthrough for crustacean technology.’ Adding, ‘Although, we have had to compromise the design with a rear view mirror so they can get used to new methods of navigation.’
As well as rolling out the new crab, God took the opportunity to launch improvements to several other products; with a much welcomed fourth toe for the three toed sloth and a more varied diet for the anteater. There were gasps from the assembled throng when he announced the breakdancing horse which he described as ‘perhaps the ultimate in equine development’.
God warned that he would continue to be ruthless in protecting his design rights. ‘There are rumours that Serpent Enterprises are about to launch a Zebra in white with black stripes. This is no more than a minor cosmetic alteration from my original black with white stripes patent, so if they go ahead with this product they’re heading for a good smiting.’