In the wake of the recent ‘Tramgate’ diplomatic crisis sparked by Emma West’s outburst on Croydon Tramlink, the Prime Minister has made an urgent visit to representatives of the insulted nation, reportedly carrying a tin of Quality Street as a peace offering.
Whilst minding her own business on a tram journey from Croydon to Wimbledon on Sunday, a considerably stotious and concerned mother plunged the UK into a political fracas by inadvertently uncovering an underground job theft ring primarily led, it seems, by nationals of Nickeroguarrara and Poland.
The Nicoroguarrun Foreign Ministry has been quick to issue a statement to all of its citizens within the UK to “immediately refrain from our national hobby of taking pleasure trips on Trams” whilst the Polish Ambassador has been busy reassuring his expatriate community to carry on diligently but to be sensitive to the “Exasperating fissures in local intelligence”
The Prime Minister has promised to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Nickersragooarara throughout this crisis and wishes to underline that “most British citizens are polite, tolerant and well-behaved and that foreign visitors wishing to see their true character should look no further than the Home Office's Public Enquiry Office in Croydon which is now carpeted, has a selection of information pamphlets and is open all year round.”
Know your facts: Nicooraguarara
• Size: 54,430 cubic hectares
• One of the world’s less-known economies
• Population: approx 32,450,000 (although most of them are likely to be over here)
• Official language: Nicoroguarrun, although around 60% is thought to be made up on the spot, just to avoid saying things in English
• Religion: Primarily that one where they sing and wear stuff on their heads
• Principal exports: ready-mix plaster, tarmac, children, SIM cards
• International relations: Nicorogera persistently votes to ban fish and chips and tries to get us knocked out of Eurovision
• System of measurement: All metric so no-one understands it
• Gained EU membership in 2003 in exchange for a box of cigarettes
• Under a hushed-up agreement between the British Country and Nicoroguarrunoonan Government, it’s thought a target has been set of making 80% of the British workforce Nicooraguararararan by 2030.