Secretary of state for education Michael Gove has announced his intention to cure the social ills affecting so many state schools with £37,000 worth of magic beans.
"We didn't quite get as much funding as we'd hoped for, as in these tight economic times we're obviously only spending on the most critical items, but I think we can all agree, that in the midst of one of the worst recessions seen for decades, with youth unemployment spiraling dangerously out of control, these kids need magic beans more than ever."
Each sack of magical lovliness will come with an attached note from Gove, encouraging children to get things they want, by closing their eyes 'really tight' and sending out messages to the bean fairy.
"It's my vision to see every child in Britian armed with a steadfast belief in the supernatural." Ranted Gove, in the midst of preparing to sacrifice his first born to the almighty, on account of instructions he'd received during a 'particularly vivid dream'. "I appreciate that some people argue that there's no evidence for the bean fairy, or for magic beans themselves, but it's a nice idea which I happen to like, so we're going ahead with it."
When asked about the Bean Fairy's instructions on giving all of one's money to the poor, millionaire Michael Gove, who enjoys staying in a £500 a night Pennyhill Park Hotel and Spa courtesy of the tax payer, had to abruptly cut the interview short due to the onset of a very bad tummy ache.