As new evidence emerges that suggests particles could travel faster than light, undermining much of the work physicists have accomplished in the last century, several prominent scientists have admitted “we really don’t know what the fuck is going on.”
Dr Bashar drew a graph to explain the level of knowing, by plotting it against the level of unknowing, whilst Prof. Jennings tried the same thing with a bag of assorted fruit. Dr Richardson put a pumpkin in a cot and sung lullabies to it. We drew similar conclusions from all three and they collectively said, “it will not be clear until 2018, but we are quite confident that we really don’t know much”. After several takes they managed to say it in unison.
Science has long attempted to explain everything and turn its sometimes bland, even geeky image into something hip. At the beginning of the 20th Century it began to replace religion and managed to kill God in the 1950s. Whilst Science defends itself with evidence such as longer life, better hygiene and a man on the moon, recent statistics have been published that show Science personally kills three people for every person it helps.
Advise from the Centre of Science is, if you live in a desert region, put your head in the sand. If, however, this facility is not available to you, they recommend sticking your fingers in your ear, shutting your eyes and shouting wildly. Their hotline, When Science goes wrong, has been flooded with the most enquiries since 1997 and the accidental inclusion of a fully operational tumble drier in a child’s chemistry set.
We attempted to ask Science for a comment, but he has been holed up in his estate in Cumbria for several days and refuses to speak to the media. His problems with the press date back to Tom Cruise’s spiraling film career, which Science stated has “irreversibly damaged my reputation.” However, MI4 is supposedly a “return to form” and this story promises to run and run.