Tributes have continued to pour in for Ian Brunel, the recently passed hedge fund speculator who has done more to shape our lives than any man in recent history. Famed for his ability to push a loop hole through the steepest of economic peaks, Brunel worked tirelessly for the betterment of himself, and will be remembered for the series of gaudy statues he commissioned in his own image.
Brunel was always destined to be hugely influential in the finance industry, and was conceived in Switzerland for tax reasons. Whilst Brunel vigorously denied being born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he did somehow manage to nick a diamond-studded one in time for his first photo.
Brunel was at first happy to tread in his father's footsteps, but quickly organised a boardroom coup and sold his old man to slavers. A stubborn visionary, Brunel could always imagine having more money, and would stop at nothing to realise his dreams.
His many critics believed it was impossible to comprehend some of Brunel's more elaborate investment schemes, let alone build them. But Brunel wouldn't take no for an answer, and his legacy of fast-track bankruptcies will be remembered by many families across the country for generations to come. From Bristol to London, it’s still possible to see the marks on the land where once stood factories and foundries, all linked at one time by Brunel’s massively complex bridging loans.
Whilst Brunel’s social engineering had an immeasurable effect on mobility, he will also be remembered for his work with an enormous yacht. Built in Taiwan using child labour, the ‘Golden Handshake’ sailed under a flag of convenience from Bahrain and was famed for its regular parties, massive firepower and regular visits by serving government ministers. Many thought that building such a costly and elaborate vessel would be ruinously expensive, and so it proved, although not for Brunel himself.
George Hansen was one of Brunel's closest friends: a man Brunel trusted, having survived all four of Hansen’s attempts to kill him. "Brunel will not so much be remembered for what he left behind, but for what he tried to take with him", opined Hansen. “It's impossible to put a price on his contributions to society, although it's likely to be significantly less than the cost of his funeral. His final wish was to be fired into space in a rocket made of platinum, stuffed to the nose-cone with all his money.”
During his time on earth, Brunel took a great deal of pride in being recognised as an extremely rich man. Sadly, his estate was found to be valueless, as none of the money he spent existed in the first place. While Brunel died a penniless paper billionaire in tax exile, Hansen doesn’t think the revelation should tarnish the great man's image. “To me, he will always be a fat-cat”, he explained. “That’s why I want to bury him in a binbag at the bottom of my garden. Can you recommend someone who knows how to use a spade?”