Chris brown has defended his actions against Rhianna, by revealing the shocking extent of her behaviour during their time together, which include not replacing the broken dishwasher in a timely fashion, failing to keep the fridge stocked with beer, and 'being upety'.
According to Brown, she 'kept going on about suffrage or some shit', 'nagged him a lot' and at one point even started speaking incoherently about a 'glass ceiling', proof that she'd gone well and truly mad, like so many women do.
"This new information completely changes things regarding his unfortunate incident." Said one expert on demanding women. "My grandpappy always used to tell me that women need a 'fat lip' now and again to keep them in check. Granted, he was an insane psychopath, but his heart was in the right place, and he knew how society was supposed to work. I think we can safely assume that Rhianna probably just wound him up too much, you know? and God knows it's annoying when women do that; the nagging can be just endless. Am I right guys?"
In a series of angry tweets Brown has urged people to move on from the Rhianna incident, imploring people to forget the fact that he repeatedly hit her about the face until 'her mouth was full of blood', whilst simultaneously encouraging people to buy his dreadful music, most of which ironically seems to be about suffering that he's conquered.
Chris Brown's twitter page was full of supporters offering their words of wisdom, including this from oldskool1975@yrmammashouse
"Women are allowed to vote now? What in tarnation? Someone tell me this is a sick joke?"