The Daily Mail has senstaionally revealed new evidence which proves that sleep gives you cancer, after finding that 100% of cancer sufferers sleep on a regular basis.
The DM takes causes of cancer very seriously, to ensure that people maintain the right state of alarm and vigilance in their daily lives to ensure that they can avoid the seemingly endless pitfalls to the disease. Whether it's shaving, having money, or having what you thought was an innocent bubble bath, cancer appears to be literally everywhere.
"Thank God for the DM." said one couple who live in financial comfort in Cheshire. "Since reading this article, we installed ear piercing alarms to keep us awake twenty four hours a day, to ensure that we're one of the lucky ones who aren't going to get caught out. We're not stupid. The DM shared this evidence over a week ago, and what has this joke of a government done about it? Nothing. No surprise there, after all they're busy pandering to the minorities, whilst honest tax payers like us are left to suffer. Don't say you weren't warned when you get cancer. I for one won't have any sympathy."
"Everyone is officially at risk of cancer and should panic immediately." Wrote stalwart protector of Daily Mail values, Richard Littlejohn,and let's face it the relentless immigration of mulsims into this once great country isn't helping. "But of course I'd never be allowed to say that outloud lest I'm branded a racist by the PC brigade who run this once great country." His article continued with a diatribe about how Britian was now a worse place to be than hell, including a graph showing a direct correlation between rising Muslim immigration and reported cases of cancer, which appeared to have been drawn in crayon.