The head of the UK police force announced drastic plans to fast track a special breed of unorthodox, heavy drinking, rule breaking detectives who have an uncanny knack of bringing scum bags to justice, despite not playing by the rules.
Scotland Yard have launched a recruitment campaign specifically targeting portly middle aged men who don't give two monkeys about 'playing it by the book', but will stop at nothing to bring down criminal vermin, even if it does mean 'busting some heads'. According to Scotland Yard, the deal candidates will be recently divorced, drive a sporty car which isn't as expensive as it first appears, and will also possess a penchant for gritty put downs, along with a deep streak of misogyny.
"Kenneth down the yard is a perfect example of what we're looking for." Said the commissioner for the metropolitan police. "His marriage ended in tatters only a few years ago, leading him to spend more money than he really has on a fast car and a garish leather jacket. His preferred way of ending a long shift at work is to nurse his bitterness by drinking whiskey and starring in to the middle distance, whilst occasionally laughing to himself at the futility of the stinking bureaucracy that he has to put with. But by Christ he gets results.
If we can arrive at a situation where the majority of cases are closed with culprits receiving a crushing put down courtesy of the police officer, who then drives off into the sunset in a burgundy Mazda, I'll feel progress has been made."