The global financial crisis has had an unforeseen impact in the USA, forcing President Obama to cancel spending on concealing fake space missions, high-profile assassinations and alien abductions.
The existence and immediate closure of the Department of Conspiracies and Cover-Ups were confirmed simultaneously, having been the subject of speculation across many Illuminati-sponsored chat-rooms. Rumours first began to gain credibility earlier this year after an old tape surfaced on eBay, supposedly of Columbia’s first space mission in 1981. Paranoid Ritalin enthusiasts have claimed the footage is clearly recorded in a garage, the ‘astronauts’ played by a jump-suited Elvis, a bed-sheeted Lennon and Jesus’s 35th cousin twice removed.
“They’re obviously just sat in a box with ‘Space Shuttle’ written on it”, speculated Greg Harpum, a 23 year-old ADHT sufferer, who also claims that the government is dosing his water supply with LSD. “The shaky footage shows the box pointing at a large yellow circle on the back wall, and at one point Lennon presses a bottle top with ‘2 a Mune’ on it. It’s a schoolboy error, Lennon clearly makes the ‘woosh’ noise himself.”
Unravelling shady government plots and tracing them back to the White House used to be a challenge, but the struggling agency didn’t have enough money to suppress the existence of the tape. “I won the auction after waiting to the very last second to outbid the Feds. I know US government budgets are tight, but I thought they could afford to go higher than $5.23. They didn’t even try making a ‘best offer'.” But other conspiracy theorists think Harpum may be an agent himself, who faked the fake tape as a distraction.
Bradley Johnson, a leading conspiracy theorist from Texas, claims the tape’s NICAM stereo soundtrack wasn’t invented until ‘86, and Elvis’s Discman dates from ‘84. “If the government can discredit previous NASA missions, it’ll be much easier to scrap the space program altogether”, said Johnson. “Harpum has previous, last year he released grainy footage of the assassination of Marilyn Monroe’s and JFK’s lovechild, outside a book suppository in Dallas. I personally investigated, and the window where the shot came from had streamers from a party popper on the ledge.”
Some of Johnson’s peers are not so easily convinced, and claim that revelations about low-budget conspiracies being part of an elaborate cover-up are just a ruse. ‘This is all a high-level distraction, aimed at getting us to take off our tin-foil hats and hand control to the Scientologists”, claims Dexter Reese, widely regarded as the sceptic’s sceptic.
"I’ve seen proof that this goes all the way to the President himself. Talking of which, did anyone else notice that Obama looked younger and shorter when he announced the closure of the DCCU? And slightly more white? I don’t like to start scurrilous rumours, but if you listen carefully, I’m sure one of his advisors refers to him as ‘Tom Cruise’.”
[Another team effort with waylandsmithy, written in a top secret location where they couldn't get to us]