The island of Jersey has complained to the Home Office after new figures confirmed that the crime rate has been increasing exponentially over the last 19 years. As well as countless unexplained murders, the odd unmasked Nazi war criminal and an influx of resident but absentee MPs, the island has been plagued by a series of grotesque cow-tipping incidents, which has left hundreds of cows prostrate and lovers of rich, luxurious dairy products dangerously undernourished. ‘We’ve had enough’, claimed Harold Le Messier of 43, Le Rue de Bonbon. ‘We need Bergerac back!’
Since 1991, Bergerac has lived under the alias ‘Tom Barnaby’ in Midsomer, after ten years of foiling millionaire criminals and denting car bonnets on Jersey led to death threats. He has recently announced he plans to leave the village. In a bid to appeal to former D.C.I. Bergerac, Chief Officer of the States of Jersey Police Force, Graham Power stated, ‘there is so much that needs sorting here. And we need someone who has had a life of hardship, alcoholism and dead girlfriends to do it, because only such a person would fail to enjoy the glorious sun and the wanton excess. We need you, Jim. And bear in mind that where there is a dead husband, there is always an eager beaver’.
There are concerns that Bergerac may not be up to the physicality of the job, after several years of drinking beer, eating scones and having a younger, more nubile apprentice to take on the physical aspects of the job. Residents of Midsomer have also voiced concern as there is likely to be a surge in murders and unfortunate accidents. ‘Only last week,’ protests one stricken lady, ‘Daisy Winthrop was murdered with her decorative serrated cake slice; we have at least two newly discovered children popping up every month ruining marriages and claiming estates, and everyone is terrified of the new Vicar. ’
It is hoped that fears for Midsomer may be allayed after it was confirmed that Rosemary and Thyme are to be reassigned to the area and rumours have begun to circulate that Jessica Fletcher is planning to visit the area on a writing trip.