Devolution in Scotland has lead to the rise of a new member of the Homo genus. Scientists described the new ape as having ‘A red shock of hair, an indiscernible dialect and a penchant for whisky.’
One scientist explained ‘Devolution is much like evolution except in reverse. For example, apes evolved into humans, but there’s no reason why humans can’t devolve into more primitive forms as well, such as astrologers or Daily Mail readers. Given the vast expanse of geological time they can even devolve into Big Brother contestants.
‘The apes survive on a varied diet of rabbit, deer and wild cat. Anything they can fit in a deep-fat fryer really.’
After discovery two of the apes were taken to Edinburgh zoo. The zookeeper’s have been trying to teach them sign language but communication has been frustratingly slow, so far the apes have only really adopted the use of expletives. Disappointingly an app designed by Apple to translate their dialect demonstrated limited success.
The intelligence of the apes is apparent after one, dubbed Clyde by the zookeepers, encouraged the other apes in the zoo to rise up and escape from their captors. After a dramatic showdown on the Forth Bridge the apes managed to escape and head into the Caledonian Forests. It was speculated that they might remain there happily but after only 4 hours Clyde decided he needed a drink. He was found drunk, slumped against a shelf in the warehouse of a Tesco’s after apparently consuming 14 litre bottles of Famous Grouse. Upon arrival the zoo keepers tried to ascertain his condition but Clyde simply used his sign language abilities to indicate that they were frequent masturbators.
Hollywood have already bought rights to the film. A so far unnamed, washed-up, drunken, anti-Semite Australian actor has been lined up to play Clyde in what’s billed as an epic, historically inaccurate portrayal of Clyde’s adventure’s in the Tesco warehouse. Called Apeheart the film will imply that Clyde is actually the Queen’s great, great granddad. Despite Clyde’s birth occurring 34 years after the Queen’s coronation.
Many religious people have refused to believe the discovery. Dave James, a fundamentalist Christian determined to put the ‘fun’ back into ‘mentalist’ argued ‘Devolution is only a theory, just like gravity. It’s not a fact, just like gravity. So there.’ Before smiling smugly in the manner of someone who mistakenly believes they’ve just out-witted a tree stump.
Animal rights campaigners have decried the move to exhibit the creatures in a zoo and have immediately vowed to resume being a general pain in the arse, only with renewed vigour and focus. When asked to comment one campaigner who goes by the name of ‘Starbeam’ could do nothing but manically froth at the mouth while wildly pointing at a picture of a cat in a cage with a slightly distressed expression on its face. After some time she managed to utter the words ‘Who’s the real animal?’
One Englishman on a visit to Edinburgh Zoo simply bitterly commented ‘Ginger chimps? And I bet they get free prescriptions as well do they?’