Education experts and politicians have been surprised by the conclusions of an Ofsted enquiry. Sir Michael Wilshire, Ofsted's Chief Inspector, outlined the key findings of their fifteen year longitudinal research project. "To our amazement, there are in fact more than just two types of children. Maybe as many as four but we'd need a further study to be absolutely sure".
Wilshire went on to explain how, until now, the received wisdom had been rather straightforward. "Bright children went into the professions. They kept their hands clean unless they had a leaky pen, had a nice warm office with coffee machine and got to tell stupid people what to do". As for the others, he went on to explain "Children a bit lacking in err.. the academic rigour department were, in some sort of mystical Cosmic Karma way, deemed ideal for craft-based careers, like car mechanics and construction site work. To be frank we never knew quite how that all added up. But until now we'd always got the same answer; 'two'".
Sir Michael admitted to having reflected long and hard about the findings."Our nation's simplistic analysis hadn't been examined in detail before. Partly because it was just too useful for politicians, those interested in children's education and more recently Michael Gove". He added "It turned out that students who couldn't be arsed to learn how to spell their own names weren't best suited to repairing vehicle braking systems, installing RSJs in tower blocks or pressure testing hydraulic control systems on a Boeing 747. Who knew?".
A sweating Lord Digby (Bigb'y) Jones, as uncomfortably squeezed into his suit as a club bouncer in the dock at the Old Bailey, also expressed surprise. The chubby all-you-can-eat menu enthusiast, former Director General of the Confederation of British Industry and sometime politician, gave his current thinking a quick run-out on BBC's Newsnight.
"Could you pass the ketchup? Oh, the camera's on already. Since before my CBI days I've been a great champion of less academic children being hoofed out of school by the age of 14 and hived off into greasy overalls and craft apprenticeships. Unless their parents are rich of course, I'm not daft!"
Lord Jones gave an undertaking to act on the findings. "In the House of Lords we'll now have to reconsider the whole situation. Still, where I live in the Cotswolds, open fires are becoming ever more popular, so chimney sweeps are bound to be in demand. How big is a 6 year old these days Jeremy?"