After many tens of years of investigation, the meaning behind the ancient monument of Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain may finally have been discovered. Mike Smith Professor of Useless Knowledge and his team have concluded that the stones are not the final construction but just the scaffolding to allow work to take place.
‘The missing piece of the puzzle was put in place when I employed some roofers to re-tile over the bathroom and spare bedroom. They seemed keen and put up the scaffolding very quickly, but then vanished once the deposit had been paid. I would come home to this mass of metal pipe work that formed patterns in my mind until I had an epiphany on mid-summers evening. The sunlight beamed through the house from the kitchen door to the cactus collection on the study windowsill and I saw that this scaffolding was essentially the same structure as at Stonehenge only more badly put together.’
After the initial discovery the historians worked to test their new hypothesis, and to work out what final structure was to have been built at the site. The clues led to the nearest comparable stone age building of Silbury hill and a ‘Silbury 2’ constructed on the plain would have been a towering white elephant on the scale of the Millennium Dome or High Speed Rail 2; a huge temple to the capacity of a centralised organisation to waste millions of man hours in pointless endeavour. It was obviously planned to be a national piece of work, the scaffolding was produced by a sub-contractor from South Wales which shows that placing government work in areas of the country that struggled economically started over 4000 years ago.
Looking at some of the artefacts at the site which include garlic crushers and white flags, they may have been planning to share the hill with the French, but it seems ludicrous. Stone Age man had a highly developed society and it would have been very apparent that sharing a national building project with those Neanderthals from over the channel would have been doomed to failure. The single European Mammoth had already failed in a disastrous way, as creatures built for northern European conditions were transported to warmer climates only to die as the locals couldn’t give a fuck about managing their herds properly and assumed that more mammoths would always be available.
We will never be fully sure as to why the Stonehenge hill was not completed but it is likely to have been an early impact of the current government funding cuts.
Professor Mike Smith’s roof has still not been fixed.