The 55 year old Men Behaving Badly star, who has been on the run since Saturday, has been linked to the banned underground Real Ale organisation CAMRA.
A recent raid on Morrissey’s house uncovered incriminating evidence suggesting links to the elitist far-right beer group, including a cache of prohibited books and paraphernalia relating to Steam-Engines, Locomotives and Canal Barges. They also discovered several illegally held Horse Brasses.
“Private ownership of Horse Brasses is illegal in the UK. They are a controlled artefact and may only be displayed publicly when secured to wooden beams within licensed premises. We simply cannot risk unchecked groups of middle-aged bearded men congregating in secret to discuss Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Victorian Brickwork or Steam Power” said Chief Inspector Eric Chizmop.
The Police claim to have learned a lot from the Fred Dibnah cult from the late 1990’s, but have admitted that several dozen youths were radicalised onto Steam before the problem was realised. A handful of others remain critical and are only having a limited response to the recuperative therapy of high concentration doses of trainers, Dubstep and electronic gadgets.
The CAMRA organisation was banned in 1996 after it was discovered that roaming groups of 80-150 men donning brown corduroy trousers glasses and beards were amassing outside Guildford town centre with instructions to occupy and hold 4 key Weatherspoons Pubs. 83 men were arrested and 6 were charged with possessing a pipe.
“We were lucky to have been tipped off ” Said Chizmop “Can you imagine the consequences?; Low till sales of WKD and White Wine, restrained games of Shove ha’penny breaking out and thoughtless occupation of tables in the family eating area by little groups of men engrossed in muted discussions about Imperial Measure Tooling, Brass Bands the decline of British Engineering. It might have even caused the pub chain a measure of economic consternation”
A chilling video posted on Youtube before Morrissey’s disappearance, shows him and James May discussing the [Industrial] Revolution.
Morrissey’s next move is unknown, but the public have been warned to avoid all contact with him. “He will most likely try to engage you in a conversation about Cotton Mills, Railway Cuttings or Cast Iron Beam Engines.” said Chizmop “The advice is, whatever you do, just keep on walking”.
Morrissey is believed to be wearing tweed, possibly elbow patches and may or may not be armed with scale model of the SS Great Britain.
As a precautionary measure, the Bluebell Railway and the London Transport Museum will be closed to the public until further notice.
Morrissey, who was frequently seen in the 1990s drinking cans of popular lagers in BBC sitcoms, is believed to have become ‘radicalized’ during his years of doing children’s TV voiceovers, almost certainly as a result of contact with Bill Oddie.