The Internet search giant Google have announced they are to close down all of their search operations, after it admitted search times had slowed over the last 5 years.
The search times, which are displayed at the top of any Google search page, have increased from an average of 0.12443 seconds per search, to 0.14664 seconds per search, an increase of 0.02221 seconds. With the average user completing 5 searches a day, this alarming rise sees them waiting an extra 40.53325 seconds a year
'We know that our performance over the last 5 years has not been to our users expectations', Executive Chairman of Google, Eric Schmidt, told a gaggle of stunned Journalists. 'Ever since scientists discovered particles that may be able to go faster than the speed of light, the pressure has been on to get search results to Googlers at a sub 0.005 time. We even sent search terms around the Hadron Collider at CERN.' He continued. 'Scientists hopes were raised when they thought one search had found the particle present at the 'Big Bang', until one eagle eyed white-coat noticed it was 'Displaying results for 'Hoggs' Boson instead''.
Internet users across the globe have been venting their new-found anger over the situation. Jake Trencher, from New York, told us 'I failed to graduate from my University Course in Marine Biology. I honestly believe that if I had an extra 40 seconds during my studies I would have achieved a 2.1 at the very least. That would have been enough for the elusive 5th star on my McDonalds name badge.'
Despite the search engines admission of failure, and subsequent closure, Google have not ruled out a possible return to the Internet in the future. 'We are still looking for ways to reach our search time goal and one new algorithm we are working on will be able to give you results before you have even searched for it' they told us 'Early trials have been positive, but have produced some interesting results. There is one unfortunate case of a couple getting divorced over the husband's results, so we will be looking at a 'clear history' option that works just as quick'
Acknowledging that people may be upset by the closure, Google responded 'We know many loyal people use our services, and we want to assure them we continue searching for answers to our current problem, albeit mainly on Yahoo'