Despite critics saying the Local Health Authority is off its trolley, the Secretary of State for Health is adamant that there are many good things are in store for Tiggleswade District Hospital, declaring that PFI has finally come of age after a six-month pilot produced £26.50 in cost savings, when ‘Every Little Helps’.
The Chief Patient Liaison Officer boasts that 72.6% of visitors are utterly satisfied with the deal of free parking with a spend of over £40 at the on-site Tesco superstore. However, Rupert Smythe, a loyal Waitrose shopper, is campaigning against it on grounds of discrimination. He says ‘I’d need a much better incentive than a free parking ticket in order to slum it with basket-case chavs.’
Nobody except the previously incumbent hospital chefs seriously doubted that provision of Tesco ready meals on the wards would be unanimously welcomed by patient groups. In contrast, a trial of self-service counselling sessions delivered by on-screen animated psychiatrists generated numerous complaints about erroneous pronouncements of ‘Unexpected item in baggage area’. After two units were vandalised beyond repair by patients not previously diagnosed with aggressive tendencies, this product line was terminated.
In A&E, staffing costs and waiting times have been slashed by a ‘Value’ Service for patients with minor injuries. In return for self-adminstration of treatment, Clubcard points are awarded up to a value of £50. Monitoring for systematic abuse is in place after pensioner Reg Filch famously purchased a widescreen TV and hottub using Clubcard points accumulated during 29 separate visits last month.
Selected outpatient services are available via home delivery of a doctor or nurse consultation along with a weekly shop, for a fee of £20. Health service officials are investigating why evening slots for nurses are proving so popular among old men in raincoats who apparently make a miraculous recovery by the time of delivery.
Unison has expressed concerns that the majority of members are unhappy about the 10-year deal, with worries of further redundancies and risk of injury during transit to outpatients in the back of a delivery van.
A range of special offers is available to Primary Care Trusts. Current deals include ‘Buy One Get One Free’ on a boob job and ‘Three X-rays for the Price of Two’.