In a sensational announcement outgoing Home Secretary Theresa May has disclosed that the former tabloid newspaper the News of the World was the commercial arm of the British Security Services.
"It was a front cover” May admits “It's mission was to create an additional income stream for MI5 and MI6 by exploiting worthless intelligence gathered as part of their security operations. Any tittle tattle and naughtiness was passed on directly to the news desk for immediate publication"
At the height of the Cold War in the 1960's money was tight and talented agents were demanding Aston Martins, high class hookers and exotic foreign assignments. "It cost a fortune" recalls service head Bernard M Lee " and the Treasury was not prepared to bankroll our operations indefinitely. It helped that most of our agents were also being paid by the KGB but there was still a shortfall”
Times were also hard for the NOTW owner Sir Freddie “Fudge” Packer. When confronted by his old chum Sir Harry Pierce in St James Club with photographs of unusual sexual activities with a priest, Sir Freddie readily shed his load and handed the newspaper over to the State. It later transpired that the activities very perfectly common amongst priests but the deed was done.
The turning point came in 1963 when MI5 became aware that the War Minister John Profumo was sharing a tart with a Russian spy. MI5, through its alter ego the NOTW, published the story, sold thousands of copies and the proceeds flooded into their coffers. The rest is history.
Other stories from the cutting room floor of GCHQ included the sordid foot sucking affair of David Mellor and the sordid whore spanking of Max Mosley. The project almost came off the rails in 1997 when agents from the NOTW assassinated Princess Diana. They got the job but the Daily Mail has been milking it ever since.
In an act of typical double bluff the NOTW employed private investigators for years to hack into celebrities’ phones to gather information that they already possessed. Ironically it was this duplicity that lead to its closure earlier this year. “The demise of the NOTW has resulted in substantial losses for the Security Services” claims former head Stella Rimington, “I fear for my pension, I will now have no choice but to pen more crap novels”