Leeds Diocese revealed today that Sir Jimmy Savile has fixed it for Jesus to deliver a good hard boot up the backside to a Roman legionnaire.
The centurion in question, Lucius Pollo Castus, is believed to have been the very same soldier responsible for sticking a spear into the crucified body of the Messiah several years ago.
The flamboyant and recently deceased DJ and presenter, who through his famous Jim’ll Fix It show arranged for young people to make their dreams come true is delighted to be carrying on his good works in the afterlife.
Sir Jimmy said: “Now then, now then... What do we have here? A young man, yes indeed, wrote to me saying, dear Sir Jim, I am always expected to be forgiving and to turn the other cheek, so please just this once could you fix it for me to kick someone’s arse. The person I have in mind chose to stick a fork in me at the most inconsiderate of times. Please do this for me as my dad won’t let me, yours, Jesus, 2000-ish.”
Jesus said: “Jimmy was always a role-model and it’s only thanks to a miracle-worker like him that I got to bury my sandal ankle-deep in a Roman’s chuff.
“We were both big on charity work, we were both showmen and we both had something weird going on with our mums... It does make me wonder, if I’d worn a gold lamé jacket, smoked a cigar and given out oversized badges would people have been less keen on crucifying me? Oh well, you live and learn.”
Lucius Castus is said to have had mixed feeling about getting kicked up the gluteus maximus by the lamb of God.
He said: “I look it as five minutes away from the lake of fire, even if it was only to receive a short sharp shock to the colon from a hippy. But yes, I did think it was vindictive, considering where I’ve been since and the fact that he was up and about again a couple of days later.”