‘I’m 47,’ complained the Harry Potter star, ‘yet those News of the World scumbags followed my parents around looking for scandal, as if I was a little kid with no secrets worth revealing.
‘Where were they when I was off my face at Spearmint Rhinos, eh? Tailing dad buying his annual cardigan at M&S, that's where! And when I was on a 72-hourer in Ibiza? Taking long-lens shots of mum potting up geraniums in the garden.
‘They weren't even around to get a full frontal of me when I took my kit off on stage that time. What does a guy have to do these days to be unfairly targeted by the red tops?
‘As a proper grown-up, I demand the tabloids place me under permanent surveillance. If there’s not a private investigator outside my front door first thing tomorrow morning, watching my every move through a pair of binoculars and a false moustache, I’ll scream and scream until I’m sick.’