As scrawled signs reading 'pussy loans at reesonibble rates' and 'dons discount dope den' were being removed today, prison officers were denying that Ford Open Prison's new regime is way too lax after prostitutes and drugs were uncovered during the annual spot check. Ford recently adopted a controversial non-invasive management style, developed by Mexican prisons, which allows greater freedom for detainees within prison confines.
Officers became suspicious after they noticed a strong smell of perfume mixed with cannabis fumes and body odour in some of the commonways. Senior Officer Les Dilley said 'we're disappointed, we comply with human rights laws so guests get plenty of notice about spot checks. They're emailed or posted on the games room noticeboard. What they've done isn't big or clever, they've let themselves down'.
Commenting on the two kilos of skunk found in an honesty box in the chapel, Ford governor Charles Maythorpe vowed to come down hard on offenders who could be penalised by loss of Sky+ HD accounts and withdrawal of sauna privileges. Confiscated contraband includes non-regulation plasma screens and three whippets, thought to have been used for illegal gambling. Officers also found a meccano pocheen still, a box of peephole bras and a library of home-made dvds, some of which featured scantily clad 'in-house' females dancing around 'detention suites' (prison bedrooms).