The government today is expected to push through legislation which would would hand over control and day to day running of the country’s oxygen to the highest bidding private company.
“This much is clear” David Cameron said this afternoon “it is the role of the private sector to own everything. The way that the country’s oxygen is being managed simply isn’t on. We cannot have ordinary people just breathing it in, will-nilly, without any sort of accountability. This is about making oxygen more transparent.” Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was on hand and added “Yeah what he said. Transparent.” whilst wiping what appeared to be semen off his chin onto a handkerchief.
Several companies are already jostling for the bidding frenzy including the inept I.T public money black-hole which is Crapita who will take time out from their lucrative contract of paralysing the NHS. Also expected to bid are Kraft Foods who have promised not to simply move all the oxygen to another country. Another expected bidder is a bloke called Adam who Cameron went to Eton with (a “good egg” and “one of us”) and is a bit down on his luck having been recently convicted of fraud.
The contract is expected to be worth £210m a year, over sixty years, with reassurances that any costs resulting from employing people, purchasing offices, pensions, taxes on profits and bonus kitties will all be met with government subsidies. Compulsory Annual Self Assessment Oxygen Audits (ASAOAs) are being introduced early next year to provide accurate billing for the public, anyone found to be providing incorrect or falsified figures of how many breaths they have taken over the annual period and approximately how deep they have been will be issued with an on-the-spot £11,000 fine without right to a trial.
David Cameron, speaking to The Daily Mail this morning said “Big Society means big responsibilities. And my responsibility is to line the pockets of all my rich chums.”