Cinemas are witnessing an unprecedented boost in ticket sales, after subtle modifications to their '3D' technology created the 'gender spectacle'. Now couples with different tastes in films can pay a little extra for screenings that feature the new eyewear, and watch different films at the same time.
Terry Foden of UCI Cinemas explained the breakthrough. "Conventional 3D specs have two different lenses, filtering two subtly different images to create a realistic £5 boost in ticket prices. But now we're using two different types of glasses, each dedicated to a separate film."
"It's a major breakthrough. Men can watch the latest high-adrenaline Jason Statham bloodbath, while women watch a film about vampires who sparkle when they see shy girls near flowers."
"This has rekindled my love of cinema", enthused 19 year-old Dave Hicks, "I don't have to watch action films on my own any more. Now I can see something with zombies in, and still get my fingers wet. You don't get that in front of my parent's 50" plasma."
Councils have called for clearer guidelines on film ratings, after complaints that several independent cinemas had been showing rom-coms and hard core pornography at the same time. Sally Carter hasn't spoken to her boyfriend since the revelations. "Now I know why he was so keen to see Jennifer Aniston's latest movie twice in one afternoon, and why the popcorn bucket wouldn't stay in his lap. I thought something was up when he was so adamant that he didn't want to see it a third time with my mum."
Some critics have claimed that the technology is flawed, the sound quality coming in for particular criticism. "These film hacks aren't in touch with the real-world, they watch the films when they're sat on their own. It's not a problem to most couples that we only play the audio for the female films. We've done a lot of research, it turns out that if you sit a bloke close to their girlfriend for long enough, their ears stop working anyway."
Hat-tip to dvo4fun and Gerontius