Crimewatch is to take a zero-tolerance approach to crime-fighting with a new formula based on hearsay and tittle-tattle, according to experts.
The new format is likely to be a big hit during the quieter months when not much is happening and will feature hour upon hour of CCTV footage featuring youths loitering on street corners and people you wouldn’t like to meet in a dark alley.
A new ‘Rumour Hotline’ has been set up to deal with the ‘hunches’ and ‘gut feelings’ of malicious gossips who can phone in safe in the knowledge that their spiteful innuendo about that foreign-looking man at No. 73 will be treated in the strictest confidence.
The popular e-fit section of the programme, usually set aside for rapists and murderers, is to make way for mobile phone snaps of people who viewers claim look a bit shifty and don’t quite fit in somehow. And the popular Aladdin’s Cave slot, which features high-value items such as jewellery and car keys, has been replaced by what officers describe as a ‘sickening hoard of office stationery’ pilfered by shameless UK employees.
Police, meanwhile, have pledged to reopen several unsolved files including the baffling case of the South Yorkshire paper boy who regularly dumped the Sunday Telegraph he was supposed to be delivering at various local beauty spots.
Added to this is the disturbing case of the Battersea Dog Fondler who caused net curtains to twitch with his antics in and around South London. PC Brian Wilkins from the Metropolitan Police said ‘As you can see the from the footage, the man spends an inordinate amount of time befriending the animal, but watch as his hand goes round to the tail area. We are extremely concerned that this individual could strike again. We know he prefers dachshunds but next time he could try it with a more expensive breed. Something like a Basset Hound.’
‘Look at the ring on the index finger. He obviously has a partner who may be covering up for him but we would say to them – how would you feel if it was your Dachshund, Labrador, Golden Retriever or Irish Wolfhound.’
‘Finally, we would like to reassure members of the public that these disgusting types of crimes are much more common than they would like to believe, but hey – don’t have nightmares.’
‘Have you tried eating less cheese before bedtime?’