The organisation “Fathers for Justice” gained a high profile new member today as Darth Vader attended their Annual General Meeting and recounted the harrowing story of how he lost contact with his children.
“It was never an easy relationship with their mother, Princess Padme.” Explained Vader. “I was apprenticed as a Jedi on minimum wage, supposed to remain celibate, then she was suddenly promoted over my head to become Queen Amidala and a member of the Galactic Senate and we had this added pressure of having to marry in secret.”
Vader went on to explain how the stress of work saw him turn to the Dark Side. “I was doing it all for her, but she just couldn’t see it. If you read her divorce petition, it’s all ‘He changed, he killed the Sand People and the Jedi Younglings, he’s a Sith Lord, he tried to strangle me using the force, blah, blah, blah.’ Nobody asked my side of the story. Plus, she had a very good lawyer.”
His pregnant wife fled the family planet and died for reasons George Lucas has never adequately explained shortly after giving birth to twins. The children were then taken into care by Jedi social services and were adopted by separate parents in different star systems.
Vader then spent much of the next twenty years searching for his children, but to no avail. “If only I’d known Princess Leia was my daughter then I might not have had her tortured on the Death Star, or only a little bit anyway.” he reflected. “I heard that Luke took to driving by the Death Star shortly before it was blown up, but we never got to really talk until we met in Cloud City. I offered to set him up with a good job, a pension, health care, company Tie fighter, but he had a lot of anger issues. It’s just a shame I couldn’t channel it towards the Dark Side. I just lost it and cut off his hand, which may not have been the best response.”
Despite the setbacks Vader is hopeful of regaining contact with his children. “I’m building this new Death Star just off Endor, somewhere they can stop by and visit, maybe stay over eventually and bring the grand children. I’m certainly not going to let this one blow up in my face” he quipped.