David Dickinson, Alan Titchmarsh and Noel Edmonds have all today been instructed to pay an ITV viewer substantial damages following an horrific physical ordeal.
Jason Reynolds who has never before watched daytime TV until taking a day off work,found himself "literally weeping sweet sherry" at the "spewsome insincerity" of the host in 'Dickinson's Real Deal'. "It was like my eyes were trying to rid me of the oil of Dickinson" he said.
Mr Reynolds corporal eruptions were not to end there however as he stumbled upon 'The Alan Titchmarsh Show' and his skin began to "sweat bad butter". "It might have been marg actually" he said. "Whatever it was, it was rancid as a twat". The ungodly, spreadable secretions apparently reached their maximum flow as Titchmarsh ego-tongued John Barrowman about his musical theatre career.
But the worst was yet to come for Mr.Reynolds as, emerging from the shower he innocently sat down to game show "Deal or No Deal". Simultaneously enraged and repelled by the relentlessly transparent faux camaraderie of the contestants and noxious hyperbole of host Edmonds, Mr.Reynolds began projectile vomiting real bullets like a big, fleshy machine gun. "I also cut my face diving through the TV screen in an attempt to bite all their lives away" he added to the judge.