The government has admitted that mass flu inoculation is no longer financially viable..
The elderly and infirm are to be advised to spend at least 3 hours per week on public transport, preferably during the rush hour. The advice will feature in a blanket TV advertising campaign to be broadcast, on one occasion only, at 5.56am next Sunday. The government maintains that this will not inconvenience many pensioners as those who are not already in supermarket queues, tend to travel unnecessarily during congested periods already.
The advice is based on research suggesting that exposure to multiple viruses and bacteria will improve immunity to numerous illnesses, including influenza, cost effectively making the flu jab redundant. It is claimed that on a single train journey through Birmingham in December the average old person will be exposed to over twenty viruses and e coli from faecal matter deposited on seats and hand rails. The study did not take into account the benefits of exposure to all varieties of mucous , this being no higher than that experienced in Birmingham beyond the transport system.
Former professor of immunology at the University of Birmingham, Dr Ivor Smallwood (72) has been a rail commuter for over thirty years. "The results of the study come as no surprise to me ", he said "when I first started using the train I suffered coughs, sneezes and projectile vomiting every week. But gradually I noticed that I was becoming less affected and was no longer in fear of sneezing, snotty working moms. I am a little embarrassed to admit it but I was so excited by my theory that I started to discretely lick condensation off the windows for added exposure."
Seasoned traveller Mrs Nora Virrous (89) was not convinced "It's all very well to say that we will build up immunity, but that will take time, what happens when we with underlying health conditions become critically ill after our first journey?"
A spokesman for the DoE responded " I accept that there will be a deaths but, whilst every death is a tragedy for the family, it is to be welcomed economically"
WHO is taking an active interest in the project. The Doctor commented, "The principle is sound and I suggest the next step to combat the threat of pandemic viruses is compulsory ornithology and pig farming for the over 50's"