The first series of the X Factor USA was plunged into turmoil today with the shock announcement that Paula Abdul’s nose has quit the show.
A number of prominent stars had been linked with the judging and mentoring role, but in the end Simon Cowell decided to take a group of body parts that had auditioned independently and throw them together to create a judge. It was a bold move from Cowell, who was banking on the many parts of Paula getting along despite large age differences – the recently departed nose is only 3 years old, whereas some other parts of her face are as old as 49 – but it had appeared to be working until now.
‘I had watched the X Factor in the UK ever since I was just a twinkle in the eye of a plastic surgeon, and it was a dream come true when I found out I’d been selected to be a part of part of the judging panel.’ said the nose in a statement released to the press, ‘But as a fan of the show I had no idea how hard it is to be constantly in the spotlight, with the press following your every twitch or sneeze, and being the mentor to the groups was proving to be really hard work.’
‘I couldn’t cope with the fame, and in the end I had to make the difficult decision to leave my role in Paula’s face.’ continued the surgically sculpted appendage, ‘Maybe in a few years I’ll be more mature and ready to have another go, but for now it’s best for everybody if I walk away.’
The surprise departure of the nose has left a huge hole in Ms Abdul. Her remaining body parts have tried to carry on but the show’s producers, feeling that something is missing, are now frantically searching for a replacement in time for this week’s episode. Candidates to replace the nose are rumoured to include a carrot, a Mars bar, and Jedward.
A recent crisis in the UK X Factor, when Kelly Rowland was taken ill, was resolved by bringing in former winner Alexandra Burke to sit on the judging panel until she recovers. Burke has been ruled out of the running to replace Paula’s nose though, after she turned out to be really fucking irritating.