The male grooming industry warned that it faced cuts last night, after the charity 'Movember' revealed a record number of men had committed to month-long moustaches. Company spokesman Giles Nathan put on a brave face as he broke the news, a face enhanced by a fearless full Sanchez.
Upper lips are central to Gillette's focus, and are normally a key area for controlled growth. The sub-nasal region typically contributes a modest 15% towards the average-sized face, although it can account for up to 85% of output amongst under-18s. "This is a bitter blow at a difficult time, the market for razors is cut-throat enough", admitted Nathan. "At £15 a packet, people think it’s easy to make a profit from flimsy little blades but to be blunt, that’s a bare-faced lie."
"Everywhere you look, there’s handlebars and Hitlers. We've never seen such a sustained period of sluggish growths", declared Nathan. "If this trend is mirrored too often people could get used to the new look, we’re already witnessing men who have somehow convinced themselves that a ‘tash makes them look more virile. If that catches on then we’re really in trouble, it’s the most depressing time for male grooming since the ‘70s."
Gillette aren’t sitting back and idly twiddling their Fu Manchus, they hope to make up the shortfall by promoting cuts in other areas. "We noticed Movember is adopted by relatively few women", declared Nathan, "So we've decided to give the ladies a chance to show off, by adopting a charity style 'downstairs'. We're calling it 'Brapril' after the popular Brazilian style. Like Movember, you can entertain your friends with regular updates on Facebook, although we're advising against uploading quite so many pictures."
Nathan is confident the new campaign will keep his team’s attention focused on a tight and narrow track. "Brapril has many advantages over Movember, partners aren't as likely to complain that it makes you look old or that it tickles too much. We're not expecting to hear of many women being nagged to get rid of it", he announced.
Nathan visibly bristled when asked about opponents to the event. "Some people will work themselves into a lather over the tiniest little detail. When it comes to grooming, there’s little difference between a nose shrub and a lady garden, they’re both sensitive areas, on the hole. People who look down their nose at Brapril should count themselves lucky, we were originally going to call the month 'Whoregust'."