Gordon Brown has 'strenuously' denied reports that a recent clandestine meeting with Nick Clegg in an unlit carpark near the Lib Dem leader's home was to arrange a post-election coalition.
'I strongly refute suggestions that Nick and I met to discuss potential cabinet members,' explained a slightly embarrassed Brown, 'and we absolutely did not discuss cross party measures for aligning our strategies on trident, europe and taxation. We clearly met for some sort of homosexual encounter, possibly involving some sort of special homosexual lubricant and possibly with, or without, rubber mittens.'
David Cameron was said to be 'amazed and delighted' at news of the pair's supposed indiscretion. 'Behaviour like this can only be good for the Conservatives,' he said, 'and if Gordon's claims are true, I've got another couple of names for my phone book to call on whenever my public school urges occasionally take over. Sam will be thrilled, she always hated dressing as a man.'
Nick Clegg has been avoiding the public gaze for some time since the incident and has given a more muted response to the reports, keen to retain the 'honest man' image he has been portraying to the electorate. He has so far failed to confirm, or deny, that any coalition talks had taken place but has also strongly distanced himself from Brown's alleged position of 'doggy, with a reacharound'.
'Besides,' he told reporters gathered outside his home, 'that could be anyone's arse in those photos.'