The shipping industry has announced today that it is going to employ nightclub bouncers on ships in an attempt to finally bring piracy to an end. The news comes just days after the Prime Minister announced armed guards could be used. It is expected that the same people will be hired, just without their weapons.
A spokesperson issued the following statement:
'It is well known that there is nothing- I repeat nothing- that can get past a bouncer once they have decided you aren't getting in. They are impervious to pleading and threats of violence. They do not care that all your friends are already in there.'
If a pirate and his crew approach a vessel they will first be given the Look whilst they are a long distance away. This will be the first sign that things are not going to go well. On arrival at the vessel the bouncer will proceed to tell the Jack Sparrow wannabes that they are not allowed on board just because. No other reason is needed 'just because' is the standard reason in use by the industry today.
If the pirates attempt to go and board another vessel the bouncers radio ahead. By the time the pirates reach the next vessel their bouncers are waiting. The cycle continues until the pirates get fed up, or hungry, or both and bugger off home.