With the economy still lying on the brink, David Cameron has today announced a Christmas tax, to be enforced from the first of November. The additional 20% tax covers any item that is considered linkable with Christmas, including turkey, crackers, Christmas trees and anything that could be deemed 'a present'. The taxation on the printing of the word Christmas means that from November, it must legally be referred to as 'Crismas'.
David Cameron explained the tax, saying, "Crismas is a luxury calendar event. People get a few days off work and indulge in wanton gluttony. In a bid to keep tax low on everyday items, we have to increase taxation on those optional, lavish products."
Enforcing the tax appears a tall order, but Cameron has detailed novel methods of tax collection. "Every 5 days during December, Eric will call to collect the advent chocolate for the day. All jokes from crckrs will be removed before sale and read out daily up to Crismas in Parliament to keep morale up."
The Christmas Dr. Who special has been cut down by 10 minutes and the Queen's speech has been cancelled after her planned skirt was deemed too short. All 1m tinsel will be restricted to 80cm and presents must have a minimum of 20% of the item unwrapped and visible.
It is rumoured many Nativity plays will feature only two wise men to avoid any legal disputes. Dasher and Dancer have also been laid off.
People wishing to give a dog or cat to a loved one must ensure either a leg or the tail is missing, although sending a donkey or goat to a unprivileged region will remain tax exempt. "We aren't completely heartless," says Cameron.
Britain is set to have the last laugh though, as every fifth mad relative will be directed to an MP's house to join them for Christmas dinner.