At just after eight yesterday afternoon Miss Annabel Walker, with only the support and guidance of her mother over the telephone, expertly pulled off the classic pint glass and envelope technique to oust an unwanted spider from her bath tub. Not a big event in itself but couple it with Miss Janet Perser successfully collecting all the rubbish in her home, placing it in a wheelie bin and moving the bin to the edge of the pavement almost ten yards away and you get some serious consequences for the male of the species. Leading scientists from the 'continual study of evolution' institute based in Guildford, Surrey have scrutinised the two events and further downgraded mens' usefulness from 'worth keeping about the place' to 'only good for one thing'.
Advances in jam jar lid technology, larger parking spaces and the rise of supermarket's grocery delivery services have for many years been eroding the usefulness of men by making things easier to open, carry or push or removing the need entirely. Bins and spiders were always seen as barriers that could not be overcome, it appeared that man's best friend now had eight legs not four, but these recent revelations have blown these bastions of testosterone out of the water.
'This situation has already been the case in agriculture for many years,' explained Andy Dougal who works at the institute, 'the best example being chicken farming where many females are services by a single cock. Although we have noticed in some areas of the country that for humans this is more or less reversed.'
The biggest surprise has been the male reaction to the findings, it appeared that most were more than happy with their new role. Dave Brindle from Hull in Yorkshire had this to say on the subject:
'Just for procreation you say? What about sex, they need us for...that is sex? Result. When do I start?
Naysayers of the downgrade have attempted to throw a spanner in the works, pointing out that several members of the scientific organisation that made the decision were, in fact, men themselves and thus useful for more than one thing. Ironically though it isn't the content of their complaint that has had the most effect but the method; such an attempt to counter the argument could only have been attempted by a male. Everyone knows women can neither throw nor handle a spanner.
