Tired of media stunts, vacuous platitudes and cringe-worthy playground sparring, Gordon Brown, Nick Clegg and David Cameron have used the third debate to tell the nation: “Look, we’re really, really sorry about all that, guys. Seriously. We can hardly believe we went along with it. What PILLOCKS!”
“Take me,” Gordon Brown mumbled. “I’m rubbish with people. Can’t ever get my face to work in a way that says ‘normal’. Never have done, even when I had two eyes. But here’s the thing. We’re all like that in Kirkcaldy. Hard as nails and ugly as sin but there is a lucky few that’s good at sums – like me, or football – like…you know, I don’t even care that I can’t reel off the name of a single footballer from my home town. Fuck it. Would it have got me one single extra vote? Would it buggery.”
“And I am a posh bastard,” David Cameron insisted. “But as of today, you know what? I’m just gonna roll with it. No more attacking these two guys – I was brought up knowing that it’s non-u to throw one’s weight around, and I’d lost sight of that. Now I’m just going to come clean. I’ve no idea what it’s like to live in a council house and I’d rather get rid of one of my dogs than hug a hoody. Sorry. It’s been bloody hard work, getting down wid da bredren. So I’m going to conduct the rest of the campaign from my place in the country.”
“I look up to him because he’s a posh bastard,” Nick Clegg declared, indicating Cameron. “And I look down on him because he’s rubbish with people. I know my place.”
