The UK's population will hit 70m in 2027 with the arrival of a bouncing baby boy called Arnaud, the son of two first-generation immigrants from Lilles. The child will not be circumcised but will need a minor operation to correct a webbed toe.
The announcement was made by the National Office of statistics, who made the projection using a calculator, a dice and a keen sense of how to make the headlines.
"We'd like to welcome Arnaud to our society, although we're not yet absolutely certain that he'll be the 70 millionth citizen", admitted a spokesman. "It all depends on whether Agnes Simpson really does fall in love with Provence at 4.27pm, and decides to move there permanently."