A new government report has recommended that the few people still in employment should be kept in a state of perpetual fear and trepidation.
The report, entitled Keep Your Head Down, calls on the government to put workers at greater risk from power-crazed middle managers who run their departments like some sort of medieval fiefdom.
The Prime Minister, who commissioned the study, praised its findings and then sacked three of the team responsible, saying they were lazy and the thing should have been on his desk ages ago. One of the original authors of the report had already been sacked because Mr Cameron didn’t like the look of him.
Venture Capitalist Miles Foolshute praised the recommendations and said: “Is it any wonder that when employers could force people to work long shifts in horrible conditions we had an empire which was the envy of the world?
“One of the often overlooked benefits of record unemployment is that it allows an employer to scare the living shit out of those already in work. It’s time to turn back the clock. And I mean that literally, as you can easily get another 40 mins out of them if no-one notices.”
Jenny Dutton, a secretarial drone from Coventry is horrified by the proposals. “Sweet suffering arse flakes,” she exclaimed. “I already put up with my boss strutting about with his hands on his hips, asking us to embrace ‘the vision’ and spouting a load of meaningless behavioural economics wank he got out of a Malcolm Gladwell book. Don’t tell me I might end up with my actual fucking career in his hands into the bargain!”
BBC political correspondent Robin Clift said: “The government argues that grateful, forlock-tugging benefits-monkeys would rush to fill the posts vacated by those sacked, probably for a fraction of the same money, which would in turn boost economic growth. The theory is that by making people scrabble to secure one of the few jobs available they will be too immensely grateful to notice they’re shovelling shit uphill for a living.”
Employers have broadly welcomed the plan, although some say it doesn’t go far enough.
Tim Westfield, who runs a meat reclamation business in Portsmouth, said: “As a boss I’m not asking for much, but I’d like to ask for a lot more. What is so unreasonable about wanting the person handling my offal to work an unflagging eight-hour day with a smile on their face? Ok, sometimes people get tired, fed-up, depressed and feel like they’ve been crushed by life’s giant intestine blender. I accept that. But surely they can feel all that stuff in their own time?”
A Downing Street spokesperson acknowledged that some people were being allowed to “coast along” and proving difficult to sack, but added: “We’re dropping George Osborne as many hints as we can.”