Medical researchers at the prestigious Edinburgh University have made a breakthrough in the fight against overly attractive people after discovering that simultaneously applying popular deodorants Lynx and Impulse renders the wearer completely unattractive to both sexes – thus creating what scientists term a sexual null point.
According to lead researcher Professor Soren Lorensen, his team were surprised at how this simple solution worked. ‘The Lynx effect is an long-established phenomenon that drives women mad with desire, whilst it is well know that men can’t help acting on Impulse. Bringing such two efficacious compounds together should have created a formidable aphrodisiac, but in fact it’s exactly the opposite – the two deodorants actually cancel each other out, forming a pheromonal vacuum.’
Sorensen recently revealed his motivation in the quest for unattractiveness: ‘being a tall, blonde Scandinavian who works out regularly is a major hindrance when it comes to the serious world of medical science – have you ever tried searching for a cure for cancer when all your assistants keep swooning at you? This new discovery is the holy grail for attractive scientists such as myself – I can now get on with my important work without having to fend off awkward misunderstandings from Barry in genetics.’
However many have accused Sorensen and his team of playing God and meddling in matters which no man aught. ‘What’s wrong with a stranger impulsively buying a woman flowers?’ asked fellow scientist Professor Sheila Dunn. ‘I certainly wouldn’t complain – it’s not easy to meet a man when you spend most of your life crouched over a mass spectrometer. The last person to buy me flowers was my mother after my team failed to make the qualifying stages of University Challenge.’
Others have blasted the research as ‘hokum’, claiming that the discovery has nothing to do with medical science but is merely an unconscious reaction to hygiene product advertising. ‘It’s very sad that such an eminent scientist could be so easily swayed by two well-known advertisement campaigns,’ said TV physicist Dr. Brian Cox. ‘It only goes to show that even some of our most brilliant minds are just as susceptible to product placement as ordinary people. How far the mighty have fallen: I have nothing but pity for the man – simples.’