Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg was ordered to wear advanced body armour last amid fears that high-ranking Tories are seeking to pop a cap in his ass.
Rumours spread after a rogue Sky TV cameraman captured footage of the leaders as they walked backstage following the recent debate, whereupon Tory leader Cameron formed his thumb and forefinger into the shape of a pistol, aimed it at the back of Clegg’s head and mouthed the words “Die Motherfucker”, before blowing coolly into his fingertip .
Cameron was said to be incensed after Clegg described some of his best pals as ‘nutters’, including the paramilitary wing of the Hungarian Anti-Romany Alliance and a Polish think tank who believe gays shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near children, especially if there’s a Bed & Breakfast involved.
The suspected plot comes as the Conservatives see their poll lead slipping, partly due to Clegg’s boyish good looks and easy manners, but also after some members of the public got hold of a copy of the Tory manifesto and read the bit where it says Daily Mail readers shall have a say in the running of schools.
Vince Cable, an elderly gentleman who has lurid fantasies in which he is Home Secretary, said:
‘This just goes to show that despite what they say, the Tories are still the nasty party and have not abandoned their policy of targeted killings which worked so well for them during the privatisation of British Telecom.’
On the advice of party officials, Clegg has cancelled plans to appear on a pre-election Top Gear Special alongside Norman Tebbit after it transpired that Tebbit would be completing his lap immediately before Clegg was due to sit in the car.
And filming on a celebrity episode of Come Dine With Me had to be stopped, when Anne Widdecombe announced she would be cooking a really spicy curry for the Lib Dem leader but refused to provide guests with a full list of ingredients.
‘In fairness to Anne - the starter did sound nice. But the dozy bitch seemed to have overlooked my serious nut allergy.’
'So for that reason I'm giving her a "4" '