Facebook has claimed that their latest app can accurately predict which of your friends you will fall out with, to an accuracy of a week and a half. The social media site also claims that the reason for drifting apart can be identified 85% of the time.
"This is a first for social networking. You can now let us tell you who's party you should make an effort to attend, and which invites to snub", said Mike Deacon, an IT specialist with the firm. "By comparing profile information, smiley face usage and posts about their horoscope, we can tell you which people you might as well cut dead now. And that's also valuable information for our advertisers."
The app can reject friendship requests automatically, and 'unfriend' acquaintances with pin-point accuracy. "It can be very time-consuming ignoring people you worked with six years ago, or met at a cousin's wedding", explained Mike. "But if one of your friends is caught 'liking' a crisp flavour or posts one too many pictures of their kitten, we can drop them in a blink of an eye."
Certain activities can cause a user to be 'unfriended' by whole groups at once. "Some of these 'bulk dumps' are easy to predict", explained Deacon. "For instance, say a bloke updates his status with 'just got Take That tickets, can't wait'. Well, they're automatically shunned by anyone over 16, and anyone male. But if they post praise for the latest theatrical interpretation of an obscure play, then age and gender aren't the key drivers for breaking off relationships: we just drop anyone who lives outside the M25."
Facebook is pleased with reaction to the app so far, and is looking to take it further. "Once we have a comprehensive list of people you wouldn't piss on if they were on fire, we can sell that data to advertisers", enthused Deacon. "They can use images of those people being humiliated, to encourage you to buy their wares. Nothing is more likely to make you swap utility companies than a photo of that dick from Accounts sleeping in a bin, all covered in puke. And who couldn't resist a new laptop, when the banner shows Malcolm's ugly children crying on a camping holiday? Advertising just got a whole lot more sophisticated."