The Revd Quasimodo, Chancellor of St Paul’s Bank issued the following statement today (Saturday 22nd October 1482,)
"I remain firmly supportive of the right of mugs to trust me with their money, Ha ha ha,...... But given the strong advice that we have received to pour molten lead from the roof to meet our Health & Safety obligations, we urge the frightful rif-raf who have had the impertinence to foregather on our sacred steps to go forth and multiply, in a very real sense...... we remain profoundly committed to ignoring the needs of the poor and the dispossessed.
Financial justice will be dispensed at Matins (Private Service )
Those who are claiming the decision to close the cathedral has been made for commercial reasons are talking complete Christian Gospel, er, I mean nonsense."