Voters attending their local polling station are to face rigorous examination to ensure their vote counts fully after a last minute change to the balloting system. Whilst the Electoral Committee cannot deny anybody the vote, they are able to reduce the weight of each vote on the basis of worthiness to ensure that the ballots of the idle and the stupid are not fully counted. It is believed that this may reduce the chances of an unfair result, as well as preventing members of the public from voting on the basis of their favourite colour.
Prior to entry, prospective voters are to be given a short spatial I.Q test, wherein they must take a number of uniquely shaped objects and attempt to fit them through correspondingly shaped holes. Upon completion, they are allowed entry into the polling station. Before entering the booth itself, the candidates are required to sit a set of brief but demanding tests, beginning with a comprehension test, wherein they must read a short passage from ‘The Adventures of Spot’ and indicate to the official present which animal depicted is the main protagonist. Each person is then required to pass a demanding maths test by counting the number of people in the room. The final examination requires each individual to be subjected to a lie-detector test, during which a pre-recorded video of Jeremy Kyle asks a number of questions about the voter’s views on immigration, their beliefs on the means for economic progress, and how many times, since the time you told your partner about, have you had rough drunken sex with a stranger. The video runs through an algorithm which allows it to respond appropriately to each individual, with those who lie or express an unpleasant view being subjected to a typically sanctimonious and belittling barrage from Jeremy Kyle. The severity of Kyle’s automated response, along with the results from the other tests, allow the polling officials to adjust the weight of the vote to be cast.
Those who complete all tests successfully have the weight of their votes slashed to 20%, with failure on an each individual test boosting the weighting by 20%. The hope is that scheme will prevent informed and intelligent people from having an unfair influence on the election and drowning out the cries of the silent majority. The measures have brought widespread political and public condemnation. However, the conservative party has welcomed the changes, and has suggested that in addition to the existing measures, the polling stations should have all ramps removed, all trainers banned and ‘Gaydar beacons’ erected.