A pensioner who was criticised for holding up the queue at his local Waitrose has admitted he and his friends only do it to ‘wind up those precious young fuck-wits who still have a crappy job to go to’.
Reg Harris - a sprightly octogenarian who regularly walks 5 miles a day - told us that despite leaving school aged 14 without any qualifications whatsoever, he still managed to set up his own business and never missed a days’ work in over 50 years as a plumber in the building trade. Reg admits he likes nothing better than to see the veins in their neck’s bulging...’especially the pricks in flip-flops and shorts’.
His friend Harry Jenkins - despite never having set foot inside a university or COFE in his entire life still managed to find full time employment throughout his 52 year working life said that he and Reg would wait until the supermarket was ‘full of those IT twats from the office’ before heading for the check-out queue.
On some occasions they would count out the small change from a purse or pretend to have forgotten their PIN number...on other occasions they would strike up a conversation about the weather with the check-out girl.
‘We’ve got all day, every day to do our shopping’ added Harry ‘but where’s the fun in that ...you should have seen them when I squirted my Anusol all over the conveyor belt’.
Another member of the pension gang Clive ‘The Cash’ Collins – so called because he always carried a huge wad of notes ‘big enough to choke a pig’ – said he especially liked holding up the queue to annoy ‘the twats from the bank who have to pay for a sandwich and coke on their credit card’.
Clive, who recently celebrated his 83rd birthday said he still carries a huge wad of notes and manages to do a bit of ‘wheeling and dealing, cash in hand...no questions asked.
‘Try doing that with some poncey fucking Applemac computer and see where it gets you’ added Clive
Another pensioner, Elsie Garwood says she has resorted to buying over priced rubbish from Waitrose in an effort to ‘get rid of some of this sodding money that keeps piling up’.
Centenarian Elsie, who pulls in around £200-300 a week from the knitting and crocheting skills she learnt as a young girl said ‘try doing that on a fucking Kindle keyboard and see where it gets you’
Elsie then showed us pictures of her lighting the candles on her 100 birthday cake using rolled up £50 notes....’I know the money would have paid the mortgage and kept a young family of five in food and drink for months.... ah, fuck ‘em’ quipped Elsie
Ken Jones who has just banked £135,000 from the sale of an antique Chinese porcelain vase he bought at a car-boot sale from his 35 year old neighbour who was selling off his gran’s treasured possessions after forcing her into a carehome said...’I knew it was valuable straight away, I thought about telling my neighbour what he had got, but after he called me a coffin dodger I thought fuck him’.
If they’re going to bury that little runt six foot deep then they’ll need to dig a hole 20 foot deep. He might call me an old coffin-dodger but at least I’ll be buried in a coffin...not a crate like that fat bastard’.
Ken has since set up a private account for gran and had her moved from the dingy, one room bedsit at the carehome into the best 5 star luxury ensuite available.
