In an epidemic that started with the big supermarkets, the philosophy of self-serve is beginning to spread across the country.
It has been announced by many companies across many industries that they are taking the approach of the customer doing the work of paid labour, but for free. The first company to confirm the move was Kwik-Fit. A spokesman for the company confirmed the rumours saying “changing a tyre isn’t the most difficult thing in the world, just look at our employees. So we asked ourselves ‘why can’t you do it’. After much consumer testing it turned out that most people can follow on-screen instructions to do most things on their cars. Each garage will have just 1 mechanic working to tut and sigh every time you do something the computer wasn’t expecting.”
A dental surgery in Faringdon has also joined the ‘craze’ of people paying to serve themselves, as Practice Manager Paul Stout explains. “We don’t have the multimillion pound budget of Tescos but what we do have is Paracetamol, string, and a slamming door. Self-serve tooth extraction will be saving us a fortune in professional labour.
Even local councils and religious organisations have got in on the act. In Warwick, the registry office have started offering self-serve weddings. Couples just turn up and answer the vows by selecting the ’I do’ or ’No’ options on the touch screen. "We do have safeguards in place to avoid bigamy" the duty registrar told us. "If the sensors detect more than 2 people in front of the screen, then a middle-class computer voice will alert security". A synagogue in Manchester has also confirmed they are looking at self-serve circumcision. Details of the DIY Bris have not yet been confirmed, however the local Boots have sold out of nail clippers
The government has been forced to deny that they are jumping on the band wagon by creating a self-serve MOD. A press secretary for the MOD released a statement stating “it is just preposterous to imagine an MOD where anyone can become an imaginary employee, having influence on policy, making their own business cards and ……….oh”