There was concern across Europe today after battalions of health and safety Nazis armed with clipboards and pens were seen marching across the Polish border wearing hard hats and high-viz jackets.
‘It is with great regret, and following a comprehensive risk assessment, that we have had to take this action,’ said Adolf Jobsworth, self-appointed Führer of the invasion force. ‘For too long the safety of the Polish people has been endangered by children playing conkers without protective eyewear, fire doors that don’t shut automatically and potentially lethal trip hazards such as raised paving stones. Poland is a danger to itself – we need to find a final solution.’
For days Poles had watched anxiously as ranks of health and safety Nazis had massed along the border. Vehicles reversed into position beeping to warn bystanders of the approaching hazard, while troops manoeuvred heavy equipment by keeping their backs straight, bending their knees and letting their thighs take the strain. At intervals lookouts were stationed on ladders, a fellow officer standing on the lowest rung to provide a safe and secure base at all times.
‘This morning we crossed the border and set about making Poland safe,’ continued Jobsworth. ‘We will start by erecting ‘Slippery when wet’ signs beside all the spillages, puddles and lakes, and there will be a relentless aerial bombardment of the country with educational leaflets – but not before advance forces have laid out ‘Caution – Men working ahead’ signs.’
‘And there’ll be plenty of fun as well,’ added the Führer. ‘Health and safety Nazis know how to have a good time. Tomorrow we open Poland’s first non-contact bumper cars.’
But the invasion has angered the natives. ‘These Nazis are getting too big for their steel toe-capped, ankle-supporting boots,’ complained one Polish citizen. ‘I was rounded up and forced to undergo hours of corrective health and safety training. It was torture, and a flagrant abuse of my rights under the Geneva Convention.’
By late afternoon the invasion appeared to have turned ugly. News agencies were reporting a ‘bloodbath’ after countless Poles sustained paper cuts from being forced to read the Nazis’ ‘Staying Safe in the Concentration Camps’ propaganda, while other prisoners complained of lower back pain after being seated in chairs without proper lumbar support. By early evening the dejected Führer was said to have retreated to his bunker, put on protective ear muffs and shot himself in the head with a cap gun.