Comic fans around the world were astonished to find that new adventures of Archie Andrews are still being published on a monthly basis, leading to questions as to how this has happened when no one seems to have bought an issue for at least 35 years. Said one expert: "Archie's appeal faded quickly as it became increasingly apparent that Archie, Betty and Veronica were never going to have a threesome."
He continued: "Ask a group of comics fans who reads Archie and they'll just laugh at you. But *someone* must be buying it or it would have ceased publication. There must be a shadowy undergrounnd of Archie fans who never dare admit their exploits to those around them. Being an Archie reader is a lot like having a gay S&M lifestyle. I imagine."
Archie has been disappointing comics readers with banal humour and repetitive plots since 1941 and its demise is anticipated every year by comics pundits. But said one critic: "Actually Archie's longevity makes sense. Banal humour and repetitive plotting are proud staples of American entertainment. If they can't survive, nothing can."
But who is buying the comic? It seems that the market for clueless grandparents who want to get something "wholesome" for the grandkids is larger than previously thought. Even Archie comics is helpless to explain the appeal, freely admitting that the comic has been produced by a random generator since 1998.
Outlandish theories abound that the comic survives because it attracts an audience who appreciate its good natured optimism and family friendly comedy. "Well you could go with something like that" said our expert, "but my money's on something a bit more believable, like a pact the publisher made with dark elder gods."