Her Majesty the Queen took the unprecedented step of commenting on the development of General Election this weekend, to announce to the country that they were to immediately stop the “juvenile and mean schoolboy prank” of letting the usually ridiculed or ignored Nick Clegg believe that everybody now likes him.
Speaking after sending Clegg out of the country on a spurious errand to take a note to Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, Her Majesty addressed the nation and called for an end ot the funny business. “We’ve all seen it before” said the head of state, “the slightly simple kid in class is put up for head prefect or class president or whatever, and everyone has a big laugh as he goes from being surprised and distrustful to believing he really could be the next Churchill. Meanwhile the people in charge look like the bad guys for cancelling the election because no-one’s taking it seriously. Living in a democracy is one thing, but this is just taking the piss”.
The decision by the monarch followed publication of Sunday newspapers where opinion polls continued to place Clegg ahead of the other main candidates, the earnest swatty boring one, and the cocky all mouth and no trousers one. The tipping point for the Queen, though, was the number of male columnists comparing Clegg to global heartthrob Barack Obama, and the women claiming that they always secretly fancied him.
Queen Elizabeth II privately acknowledged that the wind-up was quite funny and that she can appreciate a joke -- “one did spend most of 2003 winding up Charles by leaving Saga ‘Enjoying Your Retirement’ pamphlets all over the palace, afterall” -- but the thought of seeing Clegg’s “heartbroken little face” when explaining to him and his parents on May 7th that they’d been victims of cruel mob-mentality bullying was too much. To nip the problem in the bud the act of supporting Clegg has now become an act of treason, and the Queen urged her subjects to use their time more constructively. Suggestions included convincing David Cameron he should “totally go on Britain’s Got Talent to do his wicked human beatbox”, or everyone getting together to start humming whenever Gordon Brown was speaking “to watch him really go mental”.