Following the disastrous leadership debates, the Labour Party has today announced its plan to up the tempo of Gordon Brown’s election campaign to ‘120 bpm’. Lord Mandelson told reporters, ‘So far, Gordon has shied away from the true rave beat of this election campaign. A decision has now been taken that he should rise up to twice the average healthy heart rate’.
Quite what this involves is yet to be known. Some commentators have reported that the previous mythical ‘Steve Silk Hurley’, the hitherto uncrowned founder of house music (according to John Craven’s newsround in the 1990s) has been drafted in to assist Gordon Brown with phrases to assist his political aims. It is understood that Gordon will ‘Jack his body’ to ‘The Rhythm of the Night’and will ‘Ride on Time’ in the labour party campaign bus.
Some analysts have expressed concern that Gordon will not be able to achieve his new status without the aid of ‘performance enhancing stimulants’. Some side effects of these narcotics include an inane smile and difficulty with vision, but the positives include an enhanced appreciation of all music by D:Ream.