Following the government's announced intention to address obesity by encouraging Councils to promote physical activity, London Mayor Boris Johnson is set to ban walking in the capital. Starting in November this year, all pedestrians will be expected to run instead of walk and a series of measures to enforce the new Run London regime are planned.
Mr Johnson explained, "Obesity is a growing problem and this scheme addresses the weighty issue with one simple measure for everyone. Even I will be able to Run London. At the same time, we also hope to improve the efficiency of London's workforce by reducing the time taken to get from A to B. So it’s a win-win."
It is understood that the first step will be to alter the timing at all pelican crossings, halving the time allowed for pedestrians to cross the road. Next, a series of former Army PT Instructors will be employed to tour the streets as Run London Facilitators. Their role is to approach anyone seen walking and offer them encouragement to break into a jog with phrases such as, "One-Two, One-Two, pick your feet up you horrible little man, my Granny can run faster than that and she’s been dead for five years." It is understood that the facilitators will initially concentrate their efforts on fatsos and gutbuckets but in time they will embrace all slowcoaches and dawdlers, irrespective of how chubby they are.
The Council's Occupational Health director Andy Chandler was keen to point out that his department will be supportive of any Londoners who have trouble adapting to the new programme. "Salad-dodgers are encouraged to come and talk to us about any difficulties they have with the project," he said. "We will help them with their fat-boy lifestyles and openly discuss topics with them such as who ate all the pies."