Once a star in every nursery and playground, now, a washed up has been, 3 year old Dylan Jones tells the story of his life in his autobiography 'Toys out of the pram'. Read the exclusive serialisation below. In today's extract, Dylan talks about the beginning of the end.
I LOVE MUMMY, SO DOES THE DIRECTOR
Things had been going well for me. I was on every ad break, my face was on every packet of Triple Velvet, and I even had a Facebook fan page dedicated to me. But things were beginning to feel awkward. The set was a board room in an office in Hertfordshire. There was round table in the middle of the room, a window with a fantastic view of the grounds at one end, and a nappy changing table behind the cameras. I looked around and knew that I had made it. As I exhaled smoke circles from my Cuban Cigar I realised that I had not seen Mummy in a while. I asked the works Nanny if she had seen her. "She's keeping you in a fucking job" she said. The works Nanny had always made comments about my Mummy. She thinks my Mummy got me the job by giving the Director a type of job, but I didn't understand what she meant. All I know is that she did whatever it was 69 times.
I decided to go and find her, I wanted a bottle and needed changing. I don't know if you have ever sat in you own poo but the soft warm feeling on your skin quickly turns into a cold hard brick in your nappy. I looked around but there was no sign of her. The only place left to check was the stationary cupboard. As I toddled over, the door was slightly ajar, and I could hear my Mummy's voice. I think she was saying her prayers, as all I could hear her saying was God, God, oh God. I could also make out the voice of the director. He wasn't praying, He was just swearing, a lot. I opened the door and couldn't believe my eyes. All I wanted to do was cry, and I think the things I saw in that stationary cupboard will stay with me for the rest of my life. No 3 year old should ever have to see what I saw, but there it was in front of me. On the floor behind where Mummy and the director were playing bundle I could see my favorite teddy with it's arm missing. I screamed, Mummy looked over, she started screaming, the director stood up and continued swearing but this time it sounded like angry swearing. I think he like fluffy too.
When we got home I told Daddy the whole story. I remember that day well because it was the same day Daddy accidentally hit the director's nose, I lost my job, and me and Mummy went to live with Grandma.
In tomorrow's extract, Dylan talks about his alcohol problem, his way with the ladies, and his answer to nappy rash