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Quick links: NewsBiscuit Home • Chat Room • Writers' Room • Top Ten

1. 

   tedweasel
   

   offline

   Member

   Anyone got any spoof classified ads/Personals?
   I've been doing a page for a local charity rag for 12 months but I'm drying up.
   Rewards available (actually not).

   Posted 1 year ago #
2. 

   Zadok the second
   

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   Member

   Try the Framley Examiner?

   Posted 1 year ago #
3. 

   Qoxiivi
   

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   Member

   I did a whole load of these a few years back for my own amusement but they're on my home computer I'm afraid. Sorry. Otherwise I'd be happy for you to use them.

   Posted 1 year ago #
4. 

   Runestone Cowboy
   

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   Member

   Wanted: spare fridge door. Must have full milk and egg compartments, preferably semi-skimmed and free-range. Butter also needed. And half-bottle of Chardonnay. Fridge door not important.

   Posted 1 year ago #
5. 

   tedweasel
   

   offline

   Member

   Nice one, mind if I borrow (nick) it?

   Posted 1 year ago #
6. 

   shitsu_tonka
   

   offline

   Member

   You could do a variation on the old 'beautiful puppies for sale: half golden retriever, half bastard mutt from next door' gag.

   Posted 1 year ago #
7. 

   Qoxiivi
   

   offline

   Member

   For sale: A Beginner's Guide To Procrastination. Partially read. No time-wasters please.

   Posted 1 year ago #
8. 

   Runestone Cowboy
   

   offline

   Member

   Wanted: ample horse carcass to complete set. Condition unimportant.

   Posted 1 year ago #
9. 

   Runestone Cowboy
   

   offline

   Member

   Withered hand. Withered Hand! Do you have one withered hand? I do. Help me record the sound of two withered hands clapping. Photo essential.

   Posted 1 year ago #
10. 

    bonjonelson
    

    online

    Member

    I used to try to see what fun classified ads I could persuade ASDA or similar to put up on their boards.

    One of my favourites was for a "Delta-class ballistic missile submarine, good mileage, sensible offers only"

    Posted 1 year ago #
11. 

    Runestone Cowboy
    

    offline

    Member

    Wanted: map of Runcorn. Help settle argument about existence of Runcorn. I say it isn't. If you have map of Runcorn, mind your own business.

    Posted 1 year ago #
12. 

    Runestone Cowboy
    

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    Member

    Needed: lend of telescoper, to observe tonights expected shower of bastards. Must have own van.

    Posted 1 year ago #
13. 

    tedweasel
    

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    Member

    I'm liking it, thaks y'all

    The Biscuit needs it's own page methinks

    Posted 1 year ago #
14. 

    Runestone Cowboy
    

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    Member

    Handy man, no job too small, most jobs too big. Need to borrow some hammers? That's too big. Pick a smaller job, or call Charlie.

    Posted 1 year ago #
15. 

    Ironduke
    

    offline

    Member

    Puppies for sale; Jack Russell bitch, Shih Tzu stud; not sure what to call this new cross.

    Posted 1 year ago #
16. 

    Runestone Cowboy
    

    offline

    Member

    For sale: homemade wooden twat. Would suit wooden teenager.

    Posted 1 year ago #
17. 

    bonjonelson
    

    online

    Member

    "IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE - WIN A GOAT!"

    Posted 1 year ago #
18. 

    witless
    

    offline

    Member

    For Sale - Foreplay manual, wife bought it for me, never used.

    Posted 1 year ago #
19. 

    Qoxiivi
    

    offline

    Member

    "Handy man, no job too small, most jobs too big. Need to borrow some hammers? That's too big. Pick a smaller job, or call Charlie."

    That's amazing.

    Posted 1 year ago #
20. 

    Vertically Challenged Giant
    

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    Member

    Wanted: old car, make and model not important, various sheets of scrap metal, rocket launcher. Contact Hannibal, BA, Face or Murdoch.

    Posted 1 year ago #
21. 

    Vertically Challenged Giant
    

    offline

    Member

    Would like to meet - working woman in the London area for short-term fun and murder. Contact Jack.

    Posted 1 year ago #
22. 

    bonjonelson
    

    online

    Member

    Found in NW11, Black and White cat, blue collar, no tag, answers to the name of Eratosthenes.

    Posted 1 year ago #
23. 

    bonjonelson
    

    online

    Member

    Houses cleaned. No questions asked. Blood stains a speciality.

    Posted 1 year ago #
24. 

    Runestone Cowboy
    

    offline

    Member

    For sale: antique wooden wall cock. Dongs on the hour. Easy to mount. One pendulum bigger than other. No time waisters.

    Posted 1 year ago #
25. 

    andhrimnir
    

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    Member

    Unique individual seeks same.

    Posted 1 year ago #
26. 

    John Ffitch-Rucker
    

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    Member

    For sale ‘Teach yourself chiropractic, volume 1’. Spine cracked, appendix torn. £5.00 ono.

    For sale: large antique wooden horse, unused, possibly Greek. Smells a bit. £20.00.

    For sale: Short Books Society special editions - ‘French heroes of World War Two’, ‘The German Gastronome’ 50p each.

    Posted 1 year ago #
27. 

    andhrimnir
    

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    Member

    Employment wanted: Experienced minister of state for defence looking for work, Westminster area preferred. Can start immediately.

    Posted 1 year ago #
28. 

    andhrimnir
    

    offline

    Member

    Golden Lab puppy for sale. Unwanted Christmas present.

    Posted 1 year ago #
29. 

    The All New Jeni B
    

    online

    Member

    Pet budgie for sale - going cheep.

    (Cheers VCG!!)

    Posted 1 year ago #
30. 

    witless
    

    offline

    Member

    For Sale - Readers Digest DIY box set volumes 1 to 10, unwanted present from wife, unfortunately doesn’t come with instructions on how to open.

    For Sale – Claw Hammer, only used once on wife, instructions not needed.

    Wanted - Good book on how to defend yourself in court, for my forthcoming trial

    Posted 1 year ago #

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